Barmageddon

Readership,

On June 1 of 2010 Iowa City will implode. My journalism teacher (and yes, that is what I study) would probably say something like, "Jesus balls kid, let the issue die." But no. NO I WILL NOT! This issue is bigger than most think.

Let us break it down for the non-Iowa City...er.

The bars in the downtown section of our fair city have not been designated as "21 Only" - until now.

OH THE HUMANITY! What was the city council thinking when they did this to themselves? Shooting themselves in the foot is WAY too lenient of a term to describe this action. More like, they laid face up on the ground and let a horse mash their testes with a spiked horse shoe. Then when the horse was done mashing their potatoes, the councilpersons let it poo on their blood and filth covered chests.

Stupid decision council people. Stupid. Let's think about this from the standpoint of you for a second.

1) Iowa City bars flourish off of underage drinkers using fake ID's to purchase and consume boozery.

2) Cops can just sit on their cars smoking the pot they confiscated earlier in the day until bar close. Then, all they have to do is look for the Frodo Baggins lookin' freshmen and ask them to talk. These tard-sacks will soak their pants in fresh fear juice, and then guess what? Iowa City has $300 more dollars to spend on whatever the taxpayers want. Or however this city is run.

Here's where I think the underagers lost their battle. Chicago. Yep, you read me right. Chicago is the reason all hope is gone.

At the final meeting of appeal from "concerned bar owners" and "stand up members of the student body" one douche-nose dick head showed up to levy for the main revenue stream of this city. Wearing gym shorts, a baggy, knee hanging basket ball jersey, and the standard Chicago backwards Cubs baseball hat, he pleaded for the support of the council.

"Like, I think you should keep the bars open for kids under 21 cuz it's like, fun."

Thanks brohiem. You did wonders for your peers.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm not going to enjoy this turn of events. I hate the freshman bars just as much as anybody else. The pleading for you to buy beers for a table you've never met. The nasty high-school chicks dangling their... earrings for all to see. The lonely guy in the trench coat sitting in the corner with only one arm. Apparently he lost the other one in 'Nam.

Good Lord, I can't wait for those people to not be hogging the bar space, but I will not lie down and take a hit to my paycheck because some old farts decided they didn't want the place in Iowa City they never go to turn into, heaven forbid, FUN! We pay taxes so you'll listen to us, not so you can create a safe place to raise your grand kids.

So take these final words Iowa City Council Persons. You really dropped your collective dick in the dirt this time.

Sinseriously,

GOISPU

Sidewalk Taker-Upers

Reader,

It's been a while (pronounced H-wile). I'm going hit you with something that is very close to my heart. And I hope you take something from this rant.

If you are one of these people, I urge you, no PLEAD you to change your ways. I swear to God, if I have to move off the sidewalk while you are walking by yourself towards me down a 3 foot wide thoroughfare, I just might lose my mind and snap both of your ankles then watch you try and squirm your way to the hospital.

This stems from multiple run-ins with what I would like to call "dick heads." Iowa City residents are some of the most self absorbed individuals I have ever had the displeasure to meet.

Seriously, think about this. If you are walking by yourself and see someone, by themselves, walking in your direction, what is your first instinct? Mine is to reach towards my pistol that I like to pretend I have. Yours, if you are a "dick head" is to take up as much room as is possible and inconvenience everyone around you.

There have been multiple times my shoes have been bogged by wet grass because of you. Now I realize I live in a high population of pot smokers. This inhibits some reactions and I give you the benefit of a lagging system. But hear me out here. There is no way you are flying higher than a space shuttle and cannot see the passerby (me) at 2:40 p.m. in the afternoon.

I'm sick of it. Stop being a dick head and live in the real world. You remember the one I'm talking about right? The one where people are considerate and MOVE OVER.

Thank you and I hope you learn something from this,

GOISPU